Monday, 16 May 2011

One real boob, One fake boob.

Wow so its been a very long time since I have posted on here... and by hell allot of things have changed. I have kept a diary of highs and lows of the past year which I hope in the next few weeks I am going to have time to post, I find writing a very therapeutic and it helps me deal with allot of things as self release... but I'm old school I write everything down in pen and paper first... because when the Internet dies (I'm sure it will do) I want a physical form to look back on rather than just an Internet site plus nothing beats the smell on ink on to paper.

So where do I start?

After a year and a bit of waiting I have fineraly had the second operation and I am back in that wagon of recovery bed mode... I had the the second operation on Friday 13th mhahahaha trust me to have my operation on that day? However it is my lucky day and I did wake up with one new boob.

The blog should really change it's name now to 'One fake breast, One real breast' ... There is no longer one and half breasts (it feels like I am in that jaffa cake advert, full moon, half moon total eclipse!) So I went back under the knife again on the magical day that was Friday 13th - the final boob chapter. But as we all know like Friday the 13th they just keep on coming back and by the looks of it my little trip isn't over just yet...

To be fair writing this has set me off in tears I've had a pretty emotional journey in the past year and letting all out there for everyone to see again will help me deal with it however its bringing back alot of emotions (the meds aren't helping with this either)

So many people have been fucking yes FUCKING amazing about this whole thing and where as before I though I had no one could talk to this about to I feel like I have a whole bunch of people who actually give a fuck and that I'm not the only one out there... So I would like to thank everyone who has been supportive for this whole thing and who continue to do so through thick and thin!

So lets do this!!!!


In the past year I have been dreading this day - the day before the second operation. I've been keeping a diary however at the same time I've kinda pushed this to the back of my mind, I've been so busy and hectic the past year and allot of things have changed. It's been a nightmare trying to get the second operation date I was originally sup post to have it 3 months after the last but as far as I know I got pushed to the back of the que and forgotten about. So after a million calls I got the phone call with the date... I was happy, relived and just wanted it all to be over.

The day before is always the worst day, it always gets to you just before you are going to sleep. So that means no sleep. I came back to my mums as she was taking me to the hospital.

I always get the early operations which is a good thing means I am not waiting around getting more anxious about it all. So there I was in the waiting room again waiting to be taken under... in my hospital gown and those sexy stockings they give you. I look in front of me there is an old lady again... NOT MORE 70 YEAR OLD PUSSY!?!?! luckily she was moved from my direct vision.

This is the point where i start to freak out... Do I really want a foreign object in my body? what happens if my body rejects the implant? all the questions I should have really thought about before

So as I start to question me having the operation the doctor came in to talk and to draw on me. its funny when they draw on you I just find the whole thing weird... and I don't know why. She talks to me to explain what she is doing to me today 'Lianna, I am moving your right breast up... so let me draw a little arrow then I am inserting the implant in underneath.... I wanted to move your nipple but this will have to be done in another operation'

Yah to nipple not being moved this time... last time that hurt like hell and I still have pretty bad scaring from it... but ney to more operations.

So she leaves me now I wait again for the anesthetic people to take me down... about 10minuets later the anesthetic lady comes in lays me down on my bed and takes me into the room. This part is normally the best part the people in this room are my friends they are about to give me morphine & and anesthetic! However I always find the people who do it a little weird... they always say something weird then I normally go to freak out then its the 'don't fight it' then the bubbly feeling then you are out cold.

Wake up! you have one new boob

The worst part... The wake up call. They wake you up try to get you to talk ... you don't want to bloody talk you have just come out an operation you are in pain and the last thing you want to do is count to 5 or tell them your name.
It took me a while to come around this time I had to sit there with the oxygen mask for a while so I could breath properly but then I was all good.
The operation went to plan... I didn't wake up with a dick.

The recovery room

This is the emotional come down, where I like to have my quite time and reflect on it all... Not have a nurse trying to feed me all the time. HA every minuet 'you must eat some biscuits...' I understand the sugar thing but Ive just been pumped with drugs I'm not going to want to eat. The nurse was really cool, she helped me alot. I ate a biscuit to keep her happy. I was in alot of pain in this room not as much as the last operation... but it was a different sort of pain. they gave me some more meds... oh I love the free meds! So I waited for my mum to come and pick me up once I had the all clear from the doctors. When I was in the waiting room there was a woman moaning about the wait she had (as you get called in by sir name) If I wasn't so doped up I would have turned around and reminded her how lucky she was to be here. There are so many people who go un diagnosed who don't seek help or don't get help. And the fact is the NHS will properly be privatised thanks to the Conservatives which will make the department we were both being treated under pretty much non existent for the people who have no money. So she should have been thankful that she was lucky enough to be in that bed about to received surgery. The doctor was doing the best she could.

So a few hours of me dribbling from the bed my mum came to collect me and took me back to hers. Where I have been in bed since. back on that orange juice and soup and meds diet... a diet for true rockstars ;)

So I am currently in bed, I've been feeling a bit sick and I have been doped up but its good to get some rest. I will be here for the next few weeks resting and getting myself better but damm I need this rest! I haven't stopped in the past year.

So how has this made me feel?

Well since the last operation alot of things have changed for me. I've started to get my confidence back and question things again. and I have come to deal with the fact...

I'm chubby, I have a breast deformity, I'm short, I have bad eye sight, bad skin. But I LOVE THE WAY I AM.

I wouldn't change me any day... I know my faults but I have learned to thrive off the good things about myself.

The worst kind of hate is self hatred... in the past year I learned to love the skin I am in. The whole operation has changed me completely for the better. I hope I inspire other females to look in the mirror and tell themselves that they are beautiful even if you don't feel beautiful there is always someone else looking at you and admiring you.

This whole operation has taught me to always find the beauty in something, even in the worst times when you can't even see its there. Having a deformity makes you unique, not a freak.

I hope being so open about this will allow other girls to not hide behind anything be proud for who you are and not to hide behind anything. RIOT DON'T DIET!

The day I realised I didn't give a fuck anymore was when this asshole was being a pervert to me on the street, so I flashed him my boobs (I still have pretty bad scaring from the last operation and half a breast on the other side at the time) and asked him 'So do you want to fuck me now?' he then made his excuses and walked on by. Asshole.

For him hes properly scared for life, for me that has empowered me not to care!

I have let no one see my breasts as the scaring is pretty bad... for me to do that was a changing point. My chest is pretty fucked up but I don't care anymore. Non of this really matters. With being so open about this whole thing has been my therapy... the last time I had surgery I felt so alone... Now I have a bunch of people on my team. Namely my band, being in a band where I can channel all the shit things and make it into one of the most positive things and actually have a team and support line around me, thank you Pettybone for changing my life and helping me put a different perspective on things.

All I have really hoped from this is to inspire other females... and from the feedback I've had it has and I hope it continues to do so... I am going to be more active in writing in here... And I haven't forgotten about the fundraising ideas I had before... More news to follow ;)

So I have my stitches out next week, I now have one fake breast (variation is good!) I'm awaiting on another op for my nipple... painful. For now I have to rest up & enjoy the meds... And this is pretty long I will save the rest for another blog.

Until next time


No comments:

Post a Comment